Building Rapport: The Do’s to Not Do

For human-centred designers, there are clear do’s when it comes to connecting with participants. You know the sort of thing I’m talking about: be curious, be patient, be authentic.

But I’ve also learnt some things the hard way. The thing that no one during my design training told me is there's also a 'don'ts' list of things to avoid doing. The things on this list are not as obvious.

To save you from experiencing the same awkward times I have, here's a refined list of some unlikely things I advise you to stop doing right away. You're welcome in advance:

Don’t Be Relatable

This is counterintuitive, but hear me out. I once interviewed a stay-at-home mum whose children were the same age as mine. Wanting to build rapport, I mentioned I was also a mother and shared some of my struggles with balancing work and daycare. Nice bit of mum-bonding, right? Well, no.

Instead, it did the opposite. She became noticeably more careful in how she described her own choices, particularly around not working outside the home. It felt as though she was now navigating not just the conversation, but my potential judgement of her decisions.

People are already making judgments about you based on how you look, sound and interact. Don’t add to that by over-sharing personal details. These days, I tend to share very little about my own life in interviews unless it is directly relevant to the research context. Rapport is not about similarity; it’s about creating conditions where difference doesn’t feel unsafe.

Building rapport is about creating conditions where participants feel safe to talk freely - it’s not about making friends.

Don’t Have Values

I’m being a little facetious here, because of course it’s not possible to remove your moral values from your research. But it is vital that you don’t let them influence how you respond to participants in the moment. It doesn’t matter if they’re sharing something you feel is positive or negative, you must remain neutral.

I once spoke with a teenager at length about joyriding cars, something that in any other context I would have probably flagged as dangerous and harmful. Because I stayed non-judgemental, he talked openly about what that behaviour represented in his world. I got a rare glimpse into his context and motivation that entirely changed how I understood his lived reality.

Dig deeper into motivations without giving away your moral values because once your values enter the conversation, it narrows what people are willing to share.

Your job is to understand, not judge.

Don’t Hold Eye Contact

This goes against all the advice on building rapport you will ever come across, but it’s a hill I’m prepared to die on. Prolonged eye contact is awkward. It often makes people feel rushed or intimidated, it leaves little room for natural pauses or thinking time, it makes participants feel observed rather than heard.

And if you’re cursed with an expressive face like me, you run the risk of influencing your participants by reading into your facial expressions and biasing your findings.

Over time, I’ve moved away from maintaining constant eye contact, and I have a few tricks I use to do this.

I focus my eyes on something else, usually a prop I bring with me. Like a paper (not electronic) notebook to write notes in, and only make eye contact briefly when asking questions or showing that I’m focused.

During ideation or prototype testing, I like standing side by side with participants, so we’re not forced into ongoing direct eye contact, making the experience feel more comfortable and collaborative. Some of my favourite interviews have happened while driving a car or going for a walk. That way, things feel more like a shared activity instead of an interrogation.

Don’t Be Helpful (At Least Not Immediately)

When participants struggle with something you know a lot about, resist the urge to jump in and help.

It’s tempting to offer your expertise because we want to be helpful. It feels efficient and kind. But your goal as a researcher is to understand their struggle, not fix it right away. If you solve their problem too quickly, you lose the opportunity to learn what’s really behind their challenges and won’t fully understand where the friction actually is.

Instead, focus on uncovering the reasons they’re struggling and how you can help reduce that struggle down the line. What are the assumptions, constrains or workarounds they’re using that shape their experience?

As well as it being good design practice, it’s also good conversation etiquette to hear someone explain their problem before offering solutions.

Moments of struggle and confusion are important data points, they’re not interruptions.

So there you have it. Four odd little tips to help you have less awkward and more honest interactions in work and life. Use as needed, responsibly.